i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
