dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
