what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
