Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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