WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
