My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
