i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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