eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
