threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
