i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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