I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
