Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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