best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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