the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
