If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
