you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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