I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
