Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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