when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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