He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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