Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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