so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
