I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
