My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
