Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
being pregnant is like rehab
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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