did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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