My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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