come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
