I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
