Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
