The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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