Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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