She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
