I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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