I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
