drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
