im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
