Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
