My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
