I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
