Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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