i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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