omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
