he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
