How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
