I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
