your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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