ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
