dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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