you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
